After nine of months of waiting, I gave birth to my precious son Israel. As I entered this new season of life, I expected to be filled with joy. He was an answer to many prayers. Yet, in the weeks that followed, I began experiencing different emotions. I found myself at home with a tiny human who was fully dependent on me. Doubts entered my mind. The day then came when I had to admit I was depressed.
I struggled with admitting I was depressed, because I knew the truth God is sovereign and God is good. I have been a believer for a long time, and I serve as a certified biblical counselor for a living. However, I could not shake all of the things I was feeling. I kept asking myself the same questions at the 3:00 am feeding time: “What is wrong with me? Is my faith not strong enough? What am I doing wrong?” I didn’t know how to answer all these questions. I had just brought home a gift from God. However, instead of the joy I thought would be in my heart, there was fear and anxiety.
The fear and anxiety gave way to panic. Every time I heard the loud noise of my son’s cries, I heard an accusatory voice inside of my head. This voice was telling me how bad of a mom I was (even when I had been a mom only for a week). According to my own standards, a good mom would know why her son is crying. She would know how to calm him down. But I didn’t make the cut. I felt so inadequate. I would feed him, burp him, change his diaper, try to put him to sleep, and NOTHING would calm him down.
I felt hopeless and helpless. In addition to this nightly routine, I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic emergency C-section. Another accusatory thought entered my mind: If I can’t even take care of myself, how can I care for a baby? The season I once anticipated was now the season I dreaded. This was not what I had envisioned for motherhood. I didn’t sign up for this. I honestly wanted to run, but I had nowhere to escape. Left with my thoughts and questions, 5:00 am would rapidly come.
I was embarrassed to share with my husband all the emotions and thoughts I was facing. When I could no longer hide my tears, I confessed to my husband my struggles. Instead of receiving the judgement I feared from man, my husband encouraged me to respond in faith to the truth of God found in Psalm 121.
As I meditated on Psalm 121, three truths broke through the lies I was believing and brought hope to my weary soul. The more I reflected on the passage, the more I recognized how the truths about God in this psalm are the very truths postpartum-depressed moms need to hear.
Truth #1: My help comes from the Lord.
I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. (vv. 1-2)
Sometimes the most basic truths are the ones we need as reminders. The most basic truth about God I forgot when I brought my son home was the Lord is my helper. In wanting to make the mark as a mother, I tried to swim against the current of dependence. I wanted to show seasoned moms I knew what I was doing as a new mom. It did not take long before the illusion of self-sufficiency sunk me as I drowned in desperation.
I joined my son’s cries of agony. My tears overflew as my son refused to latch on to my breasts, making me feel like a failure. I couldn’t nurture my son like a “normal” mother would do. I felt rejected. I was desperate but unwilling to cry out to the Lord for help. I was forgetful and prideful. I needed help, but I wanted it my way and in my time. Maybe you can relate. Sister, God is our helper. He created you, me, and our children. He knows what we need in every circumstance. He gives us the right amount of grace we need to love and nourish our children. He gives us enough for each day, so that we may learn to depend on Him like our children depend on us.
Truth #2: The Lord doesn’t need to sleep like I do.
He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. (vv. 3-4)
Sleep, what is that? Getting 8 hours of sleep became the dream. I was tired. I was angry. I felt trapped. Once again, I had convinced myself I was supposed to perform and function without rest. Why? Because I feared to appear weak before people. I had so many friends from church offering to care for my son so I could sleep. I was offended. I couldn’t bring myself to allow that. I needed to be the one caring for my son. Otherwise, I felt like a terrible mother.
Mommas, this is a lie. Weakness only confirms we are human. Psalm 121 describes the Lord as the only one who does not need to sleep or slumber like we do. God is the only one who can carry us through this journey of motherhood 100% alert. He is awake with us in the watches of the night and watching over us early in the morning without needing to hit the snooze button.
In our weakness as mothers, we can turn to the Lord who gives us rest. In Mathew 11:28, Jesus invites us who are weary and heavy laden to come to Him for rest. What kind of rest is He talking about? More than just a physical rest, it is a spiritual rest. It is the kind of rest that assures our souls we belong to him. We don’t need to prove ourselves to anyone. We are weak and that is okay (see 2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
The Lord gives us rest from all our fear, anxiety, hopelessness, and helplessness through Jesus. He took our cares upon Himself and carried the cross. We are invited to lie down and rest with our confidence in the Lord and His care as David did in Psalm 4:8, “In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Truth #3: The Lord is my keeper.
The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore (vv. 5-8)
I will never forget the first time I held my sweet baby boy in my arms. It was love at first sight. I held him carefully and tenderly. He looked so fragile. He was vulnerable. He needed care and attention. He couldn’t survive alone. He needed others to care for him to sustain his life.
Sisters, our lives are no different. We cannot survive life on our own, but we need the Lord to sustain our every breath each day of our lives. In the same way we see our precious children, God sees us. In the same way we want to protect and provide for our children, so does our Heavenly Father. The comforting truth of God here is He can do it fully without the weakness or lack we experience. He is the almighty. He is powerful. He is trustworthy. He is our keeper and sustainer. We are safe and secure because He is our Father, and we are His children.
Entrusted By God Ministries 