I vividly remember reading the message. She was kind but firm, honest but gentle. She shared I was sending her mixed signals about whether I was interested in pursuing her or not. We had a phone call conversation that didn’t last long, and I was left with my heart exposed and the truth revealed. I had not cared for my sister in Christ well. Instead of pursuing her heart, I had a growing problem in my heart. See, this godly woman and I had a mutual interest in each other and wanted to get to know one another more. However, after a few months of engaging in conversation, I told her I was only interested in friendship. Yet, I continued flirting with her, and it brought us to have the phone conversation.
The problem of my heart was not that I didn’t enjoy our times connecting. It was not that I didn’t find her attractive. On the contrary, I found this godly woman a pleasure to communicate with and most beautiful inside and out. My problem was I was scared. She and I lived two hours apart from each other. I knew if things were to develop the change and commitment I would face. Additionally, I recognized the reality of rejection if things did not work out. For those reasons, I made the decision I wanted to remain only friends even while still wanting more. As a result, I played with my sister in Christ’s feelings and was passive in my interest toward her.
I suspect I am not alone in this struggle. I have met other Christian brothers who find themselves with FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) in dating relationships, always wondering if maybe someone better will come along. I have also spoken with fellow brothers who fail to engage in possible talk of dating because they fear rejection. What we all need is our fears exposed and our faith encouraged to pursue godly women.
A Fear That Plays Around
The first fear we need to address is a fear that plays around with girl’s hearts. This fear is expressed when we as men show initial interest in a woman and even begin to form an emotional relationship with the woman only to fail in defining the relationship. Maybe this is because we fear commitment, but it may also be that we fear missing out. We may try to reason, If I commit to this one person, I may lose and miss out on someone I consider “better”. This is a problem heightened with the age of online dating. We can swipe as many times as we’d like on prospective dates we are interested in connecting with more. The problem is such apps can contribute to a mentality of always looking for something, or someone, better. If we are not careful, then using dating apps can become about using others. We don’t see the woman in the profile as a sister in Christ to know but as a person to satisfy our needs. In other words, we fail to apply 1 Timothy 5:2, seeing “younger women as sisters, in all purity”.
A Fear that Leads to Passivity
A second type of fear toward a dating relationship with a woman that is more subtle in nature is a fear that leads to passivity. This fear is expressed when we fail to initiate any potential conversations with a woman due to a fear of rejection. I have had Christian brothers share how they have been hurt in the past, and they are not sure they want to go through the possibility of rejection again. I understand that. This is a fear I have known very well myself. I can recall in my youth receiving only “No” as the answer from girls when I found the courage to ask them out. Throughout my single young adult years, I held back asking girls out because I feared hearing “No!” I wanted to have the assurance that a girl would say, “Yes!” before I even asked the question. The problem I had, and we have as men when we give into this fear is we want certainty without the risk of rejection. Because we want to know the answer before we ask it, we want to be pursued instead of being the ones who pursue. Therein lies the issue. We respond in fear instead of responding in faith.
A Faith That Pursues
Dear single brother, if you are going to respond in faith, you must confront your fears. The fear that leads to playing around is a lack of trust in the sovereignty of God. Instead of always looking around at the next girl, look at who the Lord may have placed before you already. You do not have to tirelessly keep swiping or searching for the “better” and perfect woman because she does not exist. Perfection is only found in Jesus Christ. It is by Jesus Christ, too, you and I learn how to pursue by faith. Marriage is meant to be a reflection of Christ and the church (see Ephesians 5:22-33). Christ initiates and pursues the church, not the other way around. Christ sacrifices Himself for the church despite the rejection He faced from her at the time. A man who desires to reflect Christ in this way cannot show he is ready once he has entered the marriage relationship; he should be displaying this leadership and sacrifice in the pursuit of such a relationship with a woman.
Brother, have a faith that pursues by trusting in the sovereignty of God in committing to one woman and getting to know her, being willing to define the relationship. Have a faith that pursues by risking rejection in initiating and asking a godly woman out. If the rejection of fear is realized, remember in the suffering of a “no”, there is a fellowship of knowing Christ more intimately (Philippians 3:10). Have a faith that pursues by taking up the God-given responsibility to give yourself in caring for your sister in Christ above all.
It was the phone call conversation with my sister in Christ that encouraged me to have a faith to pursue. From that moment, I resolved to not allow fear to keep me from committing to a relationship or from risking a rejection. In the Lord’s providence, it was this sister in Christ who I decided and desired to pursue for a relationship. My fear of rejection was realized but I continued to trust in the Lord’s sovereignty as He gave me opportunities to pursue her. In His kindness, after some twists and turns in the story, the woman, Esther, became my wife. And I thank the Lord every day I faced my fears and had the faith to pursue her. I want to encourage you, dear single brother, to do the same.
This post originally appeared on Tasting the Ocean.
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